The next day I sat on the sofa with mixed emotions. My mind was clouded so much so that I could hardly make sense of my environment. Henry had finally opened up to me about what was going on with him
He recounted how he found out that he was the reason why I couldn’t conceive.
All this while, I had blamed myself and done my possible best to conceive whiles he did nothing but blame me for something that involved both of us. I felt hurt, offended, disappointed, and somewhat silly. I had blamed and cursed myself all these years for something that wasn’t even my fault.
“I went to doctor because I really wanted to find out what was going on and that was when I was diagnosed of low sperm count,” Henry had revealed.
I was lost in my thoughts.
“Are you even listening to all that I’m saying? ” I heard him ask but faintly.
I snapped out of my thoughts. “Ermm….yes…yes…I’m…I’m listening,” I stammered
“So what can be done about it?” I asked trying to suppress all the emotions that were boiling up in me.
“Hopefully, something can be done about it,” He said.
I stared at him deeply, again lost in thought.
“You know you haven’t been fair to me, I managed to say, all along, you blamed me, called me barren and even suspected I had an abortion, yet you assume everything was okay with you….”
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I had no idea the problem could be from my side. Pleeeaase…”
“Sweetheart? Did that just come from you?…. hmm! Am I now your sweetheart because the tables turned?”
“Like I said, I’m very sorry. I haven’t been fair to you. I haven’t been a good husband. I accept it, kindly forgive me. I really wanted to have kids badly and with the pressure from home and friends, I was going crazy. Kindly find a place in your heart to forgive me.”
I just sat there motionless. The whole situation felt like I had been pierced, pierced so deeply that I didn’t even know how to scream. There were so many thoughts running through my mind. Keeping quiet was definitely the best option.
“The other day, a lady pastor at the meetings I attend on Sunday evenings, said that God has already forgiven us of all our sins and because of that we can forgive others. I don’t think I’ve fully understood it all yet. So for now, I guess I will ask God to help me forgive you, because this pain is unbearable,” I said with tears flowing down my cheeks.
“Baby, I’m very sorry. Let’s go through this together,” He pleaded some more.
All I could do was to let the tears flow.
****** ******* *********
Soon, it was Sunday again. I skipped going for morning service with Henry because I was tired from the week’s activities. I had gone for shopping and a couple of events with my girls. Also, I still wasn’t too happy with Henry after the revelations he made. For some reason, I just couldn’t let it go. So I planned to go for the evening fellowship meeting.
“The gospel shows us the goodness of God. It shows us how God loved us even when we were rebellious against him,” I heard Pastor Angela preaching.
I had come in late. I looked around if I could see Debbie and Selly. They were already there. I sat down and brought out my notepad and pen.
It is not as if we loved God, rather, he loved us and gave his life as a sacrifice for us. This shows that God’s love is not dependent on our love, it is dependent on his nature and goodness. This is why God can freely forgive us without demanding a thing from us. Let’s look at Ephesians 1:7
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace
We have forgiveness of sins according to the riches of his grace; it is not according to something we have done. So if you think that you are forgiven because of your ability to confess your sins, then you are going contrary to this verse…
To be continued…